Today I am going to be positive.  I am going to smile and I am going to pretend like nothing is wrong.  

I suppose I should try and remember that it could always be worse.  I have a very healthy and active 6 year old, a great job, great co-workers, and I’m alive.

Somehow it is hard to think that way when all you are really concentrating on is that little bundle of life that you don’t have at home.  That little bundle of life that is sitting in someone else’s home.

I sent an email on April 15th to the Adoptive Mom - well, actually to L - because I send one on the 15th of every month because that’s when he was born.  This time, I kept it straight to the point since I have not responded to her last email.  I refuse to let my feelings for her get in the way of corresponding with my son.  I am praying that at least down the road, they can start to come to terms with the open adoption because I don’t think they really have a good grasp on that.  I wished him Happy 5 Month’s Birthday, and told him how much I love him and think about him every second of the day.  I did not address anything about our email exchange or cancelled visit.

So that’s it for today - everyone have a great day and try to stay positive as well, because it could always be worse!

To those who sent me nice comments - thanks!  You will never know how much your encouragement means to me and I want to hug every one of you!!

To those of you that sent rude comments - quite frankly - you can kindly discontinue reading my blog.

I did NOT call the adoptive mother or father any names, I didn’t tell them I was planning to get my son back…they don’t know anything at all about my secret desire to do that.  Actually, I have left all those opinions to myself in order to not mess up a future relationship with them.  They don’t know I have ever even contemplated going back to court to get him back before the adoption is finalized.

My email to them was about disappointment.  It was about saying you were going to do something - and backing out on that.  It was about a bad situation and trusting people you don’t know at all with the most amazing thing you have - the child  that came out of your body…that you nurtured for ten months.  I deserve their respect, plain and simple.

I CHOSE to give my son a better life - perhaps, I did NOT choose to put him with a family that has no regard for how they got that child in the first place!  I know the pain of miscarriage - I have had three.  SHE should be worshiping the F-ING ground I walk on and ESPECIALLY the RESPECT and time I have given them up until now.  I don’t push them, I don’t bring up strange things and I don’t overstep my boundaries at all.  I’m very mature when it comes to this situation.

I don’t know what to do.  I am a mess and I am very angry and worst of all, I am in this corner where I either have to go to court and try to get him back (if I even have the possibility of doing that before May 23) or just shut up and do what they want for the next 18 years.  It sucks.  Totally totally sucks…

This is a response to them canceling our visit and me sending an email about how hurt I was and that this broke any trust I had with them.

Dear M,

We have taken some time before responding to your last email because it was upsetting and hurtful, and rather than respond right away and say something that we can’t take back, we thought giving it some time would be a better choice. We are very sorry that our unexpected change in schedule caused you to have such an extreme reaction and was so obviously upsetting for you. While we were shocked by some of the things that you said to us, and to me in particular, we are trying our very best to remember everything you have gone through and understand that you must be going through an especially hard time right now. Despite what you said, we believe that you know how committed we are to you and this process, and that we always consider your feelings and well-being in everything we do. We hope that you and G (my daughter) are doing well, and we will talk again soon as we all think about how we want to plan our visit.

Love,
C

** so what do you all think? This means that not only is the visit not in a week, it’s not going to be soon either. I’m so angry I can’t speak. Here I am advocating adoption and I am actually in an adoption nightmare.

Haven’t posted since my visit letdown/meltdown. Things are going great in every aspect of life except that. Work is great, my daughter and I are finally moving into our own home. I have been staying with my mom- kind of as a crutch because I’m afraid to live on my own… I finally decided it was time to move on and start my life officially over. We move next weekend and we’re so excited!

The adoption…not happy about it. I regret it with every ounce of my being. Five months in I thought I would feel better and I probably would if things weren’t so strained with the family. Once again, I regret not taking my time w choosing a family and building that trust w them. Since the sent the email to the mom, I received a call from the agency apologizing to me and saying that things should but have gone down that way and the family should have called them and let them know things had changed and come up then with an alternate date for a visit. I told her all my frustrations and my anger and that I wasn’t happy w how things were going and of course she swept it under the rug and said that the mom would contact me last week about a new visit. Yeah, that didn’t happen. She just sent me an email today and it was not pleasant. I’m going to post it for opinions because I want opinions from other adoptive parents and birthmoms. I have bent over backwards for these people and trying to make them feel comfortable and I’m not getting any return respect at all. I’m angry and I want my son back so badly….

Responses welcome…

We scheduled a visit for April 13th.  I was beyond ecstatic and so happy to be able to see L in just two short weeks.  Last night, I get the following email:

So we do have some bad news that I know will disappoint you, and I’m very sorry for that.  C (Dad) has been given the chance to do some work on the weekends for a little while, and with all the expenses that come with a new little one, it’s a great opportunity for us.  Unfortunately, that means that we will have to postpone our visit, probably until some time in June.  I know this will probably be very upsetting for you since we were so close to our meeting, but I’m sure you understand, and know we just need to do what is best for L and P(Daughter).  I really am very sorry, but we WILL make it happen as soon as we can, I promise! 

drowsyfantasy:

If you rape someone, it doesn’t matter that you’re only 16.

If you rape someone, it doesn’t matter that you cry like a child in court.

If you rape someone, it doesn’t matter that you had a promising future.

if you rape someone, it doesn’t matter that your life is destroyed.

If you rape someone, it should haunt you for the rest of your life. 

You raped someone. 

You deserve every ounce of justice we can place upon you in court of law. 

You deserve to have your eyes plucked out w pliers….lie in a bathtub of scissors, broken knee caps, waterboarding….any horrible punishment we consider torture. THAT is what a rapist deserves!

(via jennajelly)

Just curious- any of you birth moms planning on going to the annual birth mom retreat in Charlotte, NC? I have been involved w this organization and I’d like to go but nervous about going alone.
It’s the first weekend in May and it’s birth moms from all over the US.
Let me know if anyone is interested, I can share the info!

I need help!  Adoptive mom and dad have finally brought up our first visit since placement!

We are going to be meeting in April, halfway between our homes in PA and NJ.  What we need is to figure out a good place to meet.

Where have some of you birthmom’s met adoptive parents and babies if it’s not at a house?  I am thinking that a restaurant is not a good choice, as I want to be able to really kind of relax and be able to move around and hold him and not worry about being rushed out.

Any thoughts?