So I’m skipping a lot here…
The visit went great…if you were wondering. I couldn’t have asked for a better visit, I’m once again in love with my sons parents, and I just loved holding my dear sweet boy. We had a wonderful time and I know he knew it was me- I know it!
Down side of this—-I am suffering my wonderful Tumblr followers. I’ve been in therapy now weekly since the birth of my son and I feel it’s like the movie ‘groundhog day’ every single day. I’m depressed, anxious, irritated, distracted….I’m just not me anymore. I have no drive or desire to push on anymore. I am just depressed in every sense of the word. I keep having flashbacks of the rape nearly every day- every word he said to me during the act, the looks on his face…I have been having flashbacks of the moment L was born and him coming over the curtain to me and the silence in the operating room…
I just don’t know how to function anymore. I don’t know how to live without anti depressants and anti anxiety and anti psychotics. I don’t know who I am anymore. I am merely a shell of the old me. I don’t remember what it’s like to be happy on my own. It couldn’t be worse.
So, I’m now at this point where I’m faced with a decision—continue on this short path that will ultimately lead to death, either by my own hand or just wasting away physically- can you die from a broken heart- seriously? —-or I check myself into an inpatient facility for depression, detox from prescription medication, and PTSD. I have been dreading this option but I can’t run anymore…I have to get better bc I’m too young to throw away everything. My daughter needs me….even if she is the ONLY one who needs me, that’s the ONLY thing that matters. I can’t keep putting it off and thinking its going to get better because it won’t. This is the point where people give up on life and I’m at that point.
I don’t know how it got so bad for me. Losing L was just the straw that broke the camels back. I wanted and needed him so badly and though I love his parents so much and think they’re wonderful people, I desperately want my baby and miss him so much. Please, all my adoptive parents followers, don’t take this the wrong way bc I know it sounds bad to you…but I regret placing L. I made a quick and very rash decision with his adoption. This whole thing could have been avoided or at least dulled by having him with me.
That all being said, I have done research, tried to find a new psychiatrist that could do a full evaluation for me and help me come up with a plan to get better- and they are all booked up until November and most, EARLY SPRING 2014! That’s in a 100 mile radius of where I live!! What If its a true emergency, I ask???? ‘Go to the hospital,’ they say!
So that’s what I’m doing…I’m checking myself into the hospital today so I can get a handle on my life again. No more hating my life, waking up miserable every single day. I’m giving in and giving up. I hope to be healthy, all natural, prescription free and happy in the next month. Back to the way God planned for me to be.
Wish me luck and please pray for me my Tumblr friends. This is the beginning of the rest of my life….and it starts today.
Feel free to message me if you want!