So I’m skipping a lot here…
The visit went great…if you were wondering. I couldn’t have asked for a better visit, I’m once again in love with my sons parents, and I just loved holding my dear sweet boy. We had a wonderful time and I know he knew it was me- I know it!

Down side of this—-I am suffering my wonderful Tumblr followers. I’ve been in therapy now weekly since the birth of my son and I feel it’s like the movie ‘groundhog day’ every single day. I’m depressed, anxious, irritated, distracted….I’m just not me anymore. I have no drive or desire to push on anymore. I am just depressed in every sense of the word. I keep having flashbacks of the rape nearly every day- every word he said to me during the act, the looks on his face…I have been having flashbacks of the moment L was born and him coming over the curtain to me and the silence in the operating room…

I just don’t know how to function anymore. I don’t know how to live without anti depressants and anti anxiety and anti psychotics. I don’t know who I am anymore. I am merely a shell of the old me. I don’t remember what it’s like to be happy on my own. It couldn’t be worse.

So, I’m now at this point where I’m faced with a decision—continue on this short path that will ultimately lead to death, either by my own hand or just wasting away physically- can you die from a broken heart- seriously? —-or I check myself into an inpatient facility for depression, detox from prescription medication, and PTSD. I have been dreading this option but I can’t run anymore…I have to get better bc I’m too young to throw away everything. My daughter needs me….even if she is the ONLY one who needs me, that’s the ONLY thing that matters. I can’t keep putting it off and thinking its going to get better because it won’t. This is the point where people give up on life and I’m at that point.

I don’t know how it got so bad for me. Losing L was just the straw that broke the camels back. I wanted and needed him so badly and though I love his parents so much and think they’re wonderful people, I desperately want my baby and miss him so much. Please, all my adoptive parents followers, don’t take this the wrong way bc I know it sounds bad to you…but I regret placing L. I made a quick and very rash decision with his adoption. This whole thing could have been avoided or at least dulled by having him with me.

That all being said, I have done research, tried to find a new psychiatrist that could do a full evaluation for me and help me come up with a plan to get better- and they are all booked up until November and most, EARLY SPRING 2014! That’s in a 100 mile radius of where I live!! What If its a true emergency, I ask???? ‘Go to the hospital,’ they say!
So that’s what I’m doing…I’m checking myself into the hospital today so I can get a handle on my life again. No more hating my life, waking up miserable every single day. I’m giving in and giving up. I hope to be healthy, all natural, prescription free and happy in the next month. Back to the way God planned for me to be.

Wish me luck and please pray for me my Tumblr friends. This is the beginning of the rest of my life….and it starts today.
Feel free to message me if you want!

It’s been awhile- and by awhile I mean a LONG time!- since I’ve written. I’ve been so caught up with life it’s really hard to believe that 6 MONTHS have gone by since I gave birth to L.

Just to quickly catch up- yes, I did write a ‘come-to-Jesus’ email to my agency regarding the situation with the adoptive parents and, lo and behold, the agency called the very NEXT day trying to set up a visit- what do you know! Of course, I’m still unhappy about their response to things but, hey, it’s water under the bridge. Ultimately, they have my child- I made the decision to place him, and now I will suffer. I’ll tell you what though, if I knew then what I know now, I would have kept him. I miss him every SINGLE day.
I don’t know how some BM’s just get over it. My heart aches EVERY day for him.
Anyway, in short, the visit is THIS SUNDAY! Originally it was slated for the adoption agency- probably because they’re terrified of their trashy birthmom running off w the baby…but since our daughters will be attending they changed to the park, thank God- one bit of sense out of these people. So…I’m sooo excited! I can’t wait to see my little man- and PS: screw all of you who want to give me the ‘he’s not yours anymore’ line—-he came out of my damn body!! And I’m over this politically correct adoption BS.

So, yes, I’m doing ok. I think that seeing L is going to really make me feel better and help me. Please pray for me!
Thank you all for the support. You have been so great. I’ll update more soon!

Today I am going to be positive.  I am going to smile and I am going to pretend like nothing is wrong.  

I suppose I should try and remember that it could always be worse.  I have a very healthy and active 6 year old, a great job, great co-workers, and I’m alive.

Somehow it is hard to think that way when all you are really concentrating on is that little bundle of life that you don’t have at home.  That little bundle of life that is sitting in someone else’s home.

I sent an email on April 15th to the Adoptive Mom - well, actually to L - because I send one on the 15th of every month because that’s when he was born.  This time, I kept it straight to the point since I have not responded to her last email.  I refuse to let my feelings for her get in the way of corresponding with my son.  I am praying that at least down the road, they can start to come to terms with the open adoption because I don’t think they really have a good grasp on that.  I wished him Happy 5 Month’s Birthday, and told him how much I love him and think about him every second of the day.  I did not address anything about our email exchange or cancelled visit.

So that’s it for today - everyone have a great day and try to stay positive as well, because it could always be worse!

To those who sent me nice comments - thanks!  You will never know how much your encouragement means to me and I want to hug every one of you!!

To those of you that sent rude comments - quite frankly - you can kindly discontinue reading my blog.

I did NOT call the adoptive mother or father any names, I didn’t tell them I was planning to get my son back…they don’t know anything at all about my secret desire to do that.  Actually, I have left all those opinions to myself in order to not mess up a future relationship with them.  They don’t know I have ever even contemplated going back to court to get him back before the adoption is finalized.

My email to them was about disappointment.  It was about saying you were going to do something - and backing out on that.  It was about a bad situation and trusting people you don’t know at all with the most amazing thing you have - the child  that came out of your body…that you nurtured for ten months.  I deserve their respect, plain and simple.

I CHOSE to give my son a better life - perhaps, I did NOT choose to put him with a family that has no regard for how they got that child in the first place!  I know the pain of miscarriage - I have had three.  SHE should be worshiping the F-ING ground I walk on and ESPECIALLY the RESPECT and time I have given them up until now.  I don’t push them, I don’t bring up strange things and I don’t overstep my boundaries at all.  I’m very mature when it comes to this situation.

I don’t know what to do.  I am a mess and I am very angry and worst of all, I am in this corner where I either have to go to court and try to get him back (if I even have the possibility of doing that before May 23) or just shut up and do what they want for the next 18 years.  It sucks.  Totally totally sucks…

This is a response to them canceling our visit and me sending an email about how hurt I was and that this broke any trust I had with them.

Dear M,

We have taken some time before responding to your last email because it was upsetting and hurtful, and rather than respond right away and say something that we can’t take back, we thought giving it some time would be a better choice. We are very sorry that our unexpected change in schedule caused you to have such an extreme reaction and was so obviously upsetting for you. While we were shocked by some of the things that you said to us, and to me in particular, we are trying our very best to remember everything you have gone through and understand that you must be going through an especially hard time right now. Despite what you said, we believe that you know how committed we are to you and this process, and that we always consider your feelings and well-being in everything we do. We hope that you and G (my daughter) are doing well, and we will talk again soon as we all think about how we want to plan our visit.

Love,
C

** so what do you all think? This means that not only is the visit not in a week, it’s not going to be soon either. I’m so angry I can’t speak. Here I am advocating adoption and I am actually in an adoption nightmare.

Haven’t posted since my visit letdown/meltdown. Things are going great in every aspect of life except that. Work is great, my daughter and I are finally moving into our own home. I have been staying with my mom- kind of as a crutch because I’m afraid to live on my own… I finally decided it was time to move on and start my life officially over. We move next weekend and we’re so excited!

The adoption…not happy about it. I regret it with every ounce of my being. Five months in I thought I would feel better and I probably would if things weren’t so strained with the family. Once again, I regret not taking my time w choosing a family and building that trust w them. Since the sent the email to the mom, I received a call from the agency apologizing to me and saying that things should but have gone down that way and the family should have called them and let them know things had changed and come up then with an alternate date for a visit. I told her all my frustrations and my anger and that I wasn’t happy w how things were going and of course she swept it under the rug and said that the mom would contact me last week about a new visit. Yeah, that didn’t happen. She just sent me an email today and it was not pleasant. I’m going to post it for opinions because I want opinions from other adoptive parents and birthmoms. I have bent over backwards for these people and trying to make them feel comfortable and I’m not getting any return respect at all. I’m angry and I want my son back so badly….

Responses welcome…

We scheduled a visit for April 13th.  I was beyond ecstatic and so happy to be able to see L in just two short weeks.  Last night, I get the following email:

So we do have some bad news that I know will disappoint you, and I’m very sorry for that.  C (Dad) has been given the chance to do some work on the weekends for a little while, and with all the expenses that come with a new little one, it’s a great opportunity for us.  Unfortunately, that means that we will have to postpone our visit, probably until some time in June.  I know this will probably be very upsetting for you since we were so close to our meeting, but I’m sure you understand, and know we just need to do what is best for L and P(Daughter).  I really am very sorry, but we WILL make it happen as soon as we can, I promise! 
I am absolutely horrified.  I know exactly why she is doing this.  The adoption will be finalized May 27th in court.  She wants to make sure I don’t see him and change my mind before that.  Yes, I lost my cool, for the first time in this whole horrible mess and I wrote back a very nasty email.  I am done. I am going to call an attorney and get my son back from these monsters.  The adoption horror stories are RIGHT- adoptions SUCK!!!!!!!!!!

drowsyfantasy:

If you rape someone, it doesn’t matter that you’re only 16.

If you rape someone, it doesn’t matter that you cry like a child in court.

If you rape someone, it doesn’t matter that you had a promising future.

if you rape someone, it doesn’t matter that your life is destroyed.

If you rape someone, it should haunt you for the rest of your life. 

You raped someone. 

You deserve every ounce of justice we can place upon you in court of law. 

You deserve to have your eyes plucked out w pliers….lie in a bathtub of scissors, broken knee caps, waterboarding….any horrible punishment we consider torture. THAT is what a rapist deserves!

(via jenna-jelly)

Just curious- any of you birth moms planning on going to the annual birth mom retreat in Charlotte, NC? I have been involved w this organization and I’d like to go but nervous about going alone.
It’s the first weekend in May and it’s birth moms from all over the US.
Let me know if anyone is interested, I can share the info!